This All Was Only Wishful Thinking

heckyeah @ 2007-09-24T02:30:00

2007-09-24T06:31:56Z

Stuck Up/Ego-headed/Cocky seriously doesn't make you cool. You just look like a dumbass for passing up opportunities of meeting the greatest people you'd probably ever meet in your life.

Stop trying to impress other people or your friends. You seriously don't have to show off or boast about yourself. We know who you are, what your capable of, and what you can/do/done/did.

Don't be so simple minded. You'll lose what's most important to you in life..

FREE STYLE WRITING
People change.
Pity those who lose themself.
Sad knowing what they were to what they've become.
Fuck the ignorant fools.
This is your Reality Check.

heckyeah @ 2007-04-17T02:25:00

2007-04-17T06:26:14Z

i dont know when or why it happened but i have lost complete faith in people. i know ive written before about how i lost my ability to trust, but to be honest i didnt think life really worked that way. what usually happens is that you trust someone, they break it, you get hurt, and then you trust all over again because thats human nature and in the end what choice do we really have? i thought that that was the pattern. i thought that in life you couldnt get mad when you picked up a bad apple because there's always bound to be atleast one bad apple in the barrel.

i have no faith in anyone or anything. everything hurts you. everyone will turn on you. you have nobody to depend on but yourself and the sad cold harsh reality of this world is that very few people can make it completely on their own. what's the point in being a good person? whats the point in doing the right thing and being a decent nice person when everyone else is bad and playing dirty? how can you compete when everyone else is cheating?

i dont trust anyone, and its not that i make myself not trust its that my brain, emotions, and heart just cant do it anymore. and that makes me feel so sad. it makes me feel sad and alone and small in this big world full of people who will only hurt you. what is the point? where does trust get me? so far its only hurt me and ive learned that no true trust and connection exists because nobody really cares. it is inevitable that everyone in your life will only serve to hurt you. so what exactly is the point?

heckyeah @ 2007-02-20T03:02:00

2007-02-20T08:20:48Z

sometimes i feel like i'm in a dark, pitch black hole and everytime i turn around to find a way out i just end up in an evern darker corner than i was in before.

its been two months why am i still like this? i know it takes time i really do. despite everyone telling me that i need to completely cut him out of my life, it's just not possible because we have the same group of friends and i refuse to give them up. he's stepped aside a little because for the most part they've taken my side over his, but still. i can't escape him. sometimes when we go out he's there. with her. and whenever i think of him and her, or hear about him and her, or see him and her... i have trouble breathing and my head starts pounding and i start seeing red. how could he?? how DARE he?? after everything we've been through together. after two years of being together and loving each other and planning a life together... and he can just walk away like it never happened and be with... her. and everytime i see, hear, or think about them my wound splits open all over again.

and he has the nerve to say that i never fully trusted him. well, thank fucking god if he's right because look at what he did to me. my best friend in the whole world. my love. stabbed me in the back. and no matter what, no matter what.... i cant get rid of the pain. it's no longer a pain of not being with him. it's more a pain of having been betrayed by the person i trusted most in the world and whatever i do i can't get rid of the pain. it follows me everywhere, everyday, in the back of my mind, stabbing my heart anew each freaking time.

and that's not even the most criminal part. i can't explain how i could have developed slight feelings for someone else through all this. i mean, not quite serious, but enough to make me smile when i think about him. and when we talk on the phone or go out... its so fun and there's no other way to explain it other than he really makes me smile. but due to unfortunate circumstances beyond our control... it just can't be. all because of HIM. he breaks my heart and leaves me for someone else and he still tries to control what i'm doing. such a dark corner.

heckyeah @ 2006-12-08T03:39:00

2006-12-08T07:39:44Z

i don't really want to write in this right now so i'm not sure what i'm doing. i spent two years opening my heart to him, or atleast trying to. it's so funny how you think you're so experienced and wordly and wise, and yet as soon as the situation presents itself you do something so naive and stupid. it's just so easy to fall into that pattern, to misconstrue trust for dependence and the next thing you know your relationship has strayed so far from what it used to be.

i know why we're doing this. and i know that you love me. i can't describe this feeling; its almost as if some cosmic force is physically pushing my body towards you. i want to jump into my car and drive the ten minutes to your house just to feel the warmth of your hug. its so unnatural for you to walk me to class and not kiss me goodbye. i know you want to... i can see it in your eyes.

i know why we're doing this, and i'm willing to put all my effort into making this work. but missing you is the worst feeling i've ever felt.

heckyeah @ 2006-09-08T03:13:00

2006-09-08T07:27:30Z

its been a loooong time... so much has happened this summer! i took my LSATs in June and got a 160 (82nd percentile) which was pretty cool. i'm glad to finally have gotten them over with because doing 15 credits in the spring plus 16 hours of LSAT class a week was pretty much killing me. two weeks after that i went to miami for a week and drank for about 5 days straight... i'm obsessed with miami and its awesome nightlife but i'm still convinced that DC is the best nightlife everrrr. once we got back from miami i spent pretty much every night at eyebar, kstreet, or lima which was so much fun. i wonder why DC nightlife is so underrated? i've never been to new york clubs or lounges so i dont really know about that but somehow i imagine them to be very stuckup. miami was awesome because the lounges were so laidback. we went to this one place called Skybar which was sooooo hot, it was in the Shore Club hotel and it was the entire back of the hotel and there were beds everywhere like inside this huge garden and around one of the pools nad they were blasting house music.. it was soo nice. but then DC is awesome because its so crazy, on any night of the week you can find a raging party and some of the best DJs... i love dc and i love going to mason and being able to party in dc.. anyways after i got back from miami i got a job at Coach in Tysons Galleria which is okay, but a little on the boring side.

then at the end of july/beginning of august there were a million birthdays to be celebrated which was a lot of fun, but not as fun as MY 21ST BIRTHDAY ON AUGUST 12TH! it was great because i've been secretely planning my birthday for over a year and then it all finally came together and it was crazy.... josh ended up surprising me with a limo which was sooooo unexpected and i got two tables at kstreet and danced up on the couches all night.... incredible. the only bad part was that i didnt actually get drunk, which was super weird because i had 2 shots, four drinks, literally half a bottle of champagne, and a bottle of grey goose poured into my mouth (keeping in mind on a normal night 3 drinks should pretty much have me floored). i think i was too tense about my party to really get drunk which was kind of a bummer but retrospectively probably a good thing because i really really hate hangovers and that would have been a bad one.

after my birthday i worked for a couple more weeks, and then went to kings dominion with some friends the day before classes started, which was an awesome way to end the summer. ehh i cant think of anything else that happened right now. i need to stop writing posts that make no sense late at night.

heckyeah @ 2006-05-13T04:17:00

2006-05-13T08:20:29Z

it takes something really painful to get something really peaceful. sometimes that peace isn't what's comfortable, what you've known, what you thought was, or what you thought always would be. sometimes that peace comes with a big price. but i want that peace.

heckyeah @ 2006-04-09T23:30:00

2006-04-10T03:52:20Z

this semester is turning out pretty well (knock on wood).... govt 300 is extremely, extremely hard and time consuming but i just found out i got a 91 on my midterm! so i have a pretty good chance of getting an A- or maybe an A for the semester. I got an 84 on my econ midterm, as expected, but as long as the final is takehome i should be able to pull an A in the end. latin is kicking my ass for the fourth semester in a row and i'm expecting a solid C (sob), and govt 446 is really interesting and i expect an A in that as well. so i'm pretty happy all around.

i have two major papers i'm working on right now. the one for govt 300 is a little difficult because its more of a political science piece, so its all about hypotheses and variables and statistical data analysis. my hypothesis is that as the rate of democracy increases, so will state prosperity. theres not much data on it.

my paper for govt 446 is more research based. its a class on international law so i'm legally defending iran's right to enrich uranium.

and i started my lsat classes this weekend.... boring and hard. i am extrememly nervous about them.

heckyeah @ 2006-03-31T14:28:00

2006-03-31T19:30:28Z

so i didnt get the congressional budget office internship. and i didnt get the tom davis or frank wolf internships. and i still havent heard back from brookings or aei... so, i'm ending it right now. i am not capable of attaining a job.

heckyeah @ 2006-03-06T22:52:00

2006-03-07T04:31:12Z

is there a problem when you cant talk about things with certain people? i suppose it doesnt have to be a problem if you dont want it to be, but that just isnt how it is. maybe some can ignore things and have them simply go away but that doesnt work for all and it certainly doesnt work for me. so what am i to do if i want to talk about something, but i cant because it just creates more problems? is it better to resolve this problem and have another one, or just keep this one to myself and not say anything. i suppose its the same conclusion either way, i am still upset.

heckyeah @ 2006-02-26T02:24:00

2006-02-26T07:25:59Z

people lie. thats all you need to know.

she says shes no good with words but i'm worse

2006-01-19T08:16:15Z

a little over a year ago i wrote a post debating myself over predestination and free will, and my eventual conclusion was that there had to be free will because there would be no point to life if there was predestination. and as i think about that today, over one year later, it still makes complete sense to me. what makes me rethink that entry, though, is a section of it where i discuss whether or not relationships are "meant to be" and if, indeed, one day my "meant to be" would just appear. i concluded that that was a stupid sentiment and i should move on.

cut to one year later. i've been with josh for such a long time now, and i couldn't be happier with him. sometimes i like to sit in a dark room with music playing in the background, reliving memories, really feeling the emotions and hearing the sounds. i did that tonight, thinking about last december when josh chased me for nearly two months, ignoring how sarcastic i was to him and how many times i told him i wasn't looking for a relationship. it's safe to say that i didn't take the initiative with us, i definitely didn't make this happen. so, does that mean it was predestined? was he my "meant to be" and did he suddenly appear in my life? we certainly met in a weird way. and he didnt meet me at the best time. and yet we perservered. this makes me want to reevaluate my convictions, but for some reason i simply refuse to believe that anything in my life has already been predetermined. oh, the mysteries of life at 3 am.

heckyeah @ 2006-01-14T03:24:00

2006-01-14T08:31:58Z

this winter break was so awesome i really really dont want it to end. fall semester was just so hard and draining that this was the first break that i really felt like i needed. plus the many memorable moments, such as 1223 with the girls, bars with josh, christmas gift exchanges, new years eve, and not to mention ATLANTIC FUCKING CITY because that was the greatest trip ever. me, marriam, golby, josh, jeremy, arin, and alex all went up last friday and stayed in a huge ass suite at the Taj Mahal for the weekend where the guys drank and gambled and we went to the spa and the pool and ordered enough room service to feed a small town in idaho. by the way, if you order alcohol from room service theres a really good chance they wont card you. which is why we ordered enough raspberry margaritas to make us sick. anyways, it was a fucking awesome weekend and i'm so sad to see this break end.

ps: i've had an lj for three years last week! and just look at all the worthless entries ive posted.

heckyeah @ 2006-01-02T23:53:00

2006-01-03T04:53:39Z

new years eve 2005 was most definitely the best new years eve everrrrr..... josh, with his roommates arin, alex, and jeremy had a party in their new townhouse (but they included me as a host even though i didnt spend any money on it & it wasnt my house haha) and invited sooo many people. there was great liquor, great appetizers, great music (provided by me) and basically it was the best night ever. key points:

me and all my friends had cute outfits

the jungle juice was AMAZING, as well as the mixed drinks

josh choked someone

i accidentally got punched in the eye

we found an empty condom wrapper

josh, alex, arin, and i were cleaning the house until 2 am the next day.

basically, the night was drunken magic. except for the part where i got punched in the eye.

heckyeah @ 2005-12-28T02:35:00

2005-12-28T07:35:45Z

1. what did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?: bar hop in DC, have a non-dysfunctional relationship

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i didnt have one then or now

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? no

5. what places did you visit?: ummm philly and the jersey shore? wow i went nowhere this year.

6.what would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?: mostly just money. i always seem to lack money

7. what date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory?: january 26th, january 27th

9. what was your biggest failure?: getting a C in latin 201, not getting a summer job

10. did you suffer illness or injury?: mono landed me in the hospital in february

11. what was the best thing you bought?: a pool table, or a pair of laundry gold stilettos that i am obsessed with

12. whose behavior merited celebration?: everyone's at one point, josh & marriam among them

14. where did most of your money go?: CLOTHES AND SHOES

15. what did you get really, really, really excited about?: me and marriam's halloween party

16. what song[s] will always remind you of 2005?: call on me - eric prydz, california dreamin - royal gigolos, sound of sanfransisco - global deejays, don't stop believin - journey, we be burnin - sean paul, numa numa - ozone

18. what do you wish you'd done more of: socializing more around campus i guess

19. what do you wish you'd done less of?: procrastinating

20. how will you be spending the holidays? with the family

21. how will you be spending new years?: drunk

22. did you fall in love in 2005: yes

24. what was your favorite TV program?: the OC, family guy, sex and the city as always

25. do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: yes.

26. you like anyone now that you hated this time of year?: yes

27. what was the best book you read?: persepolis, bergdorf blondes

28. what was your greatest musical discovery?: oldschool nine inch nails

29. what did you want and get?: eyeshadow duo sets, lots of armani clothes, a day at the ritz carlton spa

30. what did you want and not get?: a big screen tv, marc jacobs tan leather coat, $300 gucci leather kneehigh boots

31. what was your favorite film of this year?: madagascar, wedding crashers

32. what did you do on your birthday?: i turned 20! i threw a cocktail party at my house with margaritas and went out to dinner at a japanese steakhouse.

33. what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: not getting a C in latin 201, getting a job over the summer,

34. how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004: preppy conservative.. collared shirt, sweater, and uggs.... or walking armani advertisement thanks to the a/x manager himself... josh.

35. what kept you sane?: absolutely nothing

36. who are your best friends?: marriam, josh, ustac

37. what political issue stirred you the most?: hahaha anyone whos met me for half a minute knows that every political issue stirs me the most

38. who did you miss?: lots of people

39. who was the best new person you met?: every new person you meet is the best!

40. tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: you need direction and ambition in life

41. quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "and all the roads you have to walk are winding, and all the lights the light the way are blinding"

so far its been a really relaxing winter break, which was much, much needed after this past semester. i ended up with four A's and a C in latin..... which i was devastated about at first but i guess i've come to terms with it. i knew i was getting one by the third test of the semester which pretty much solidified the c. sucks. i've spent the past two days downloading and filling out applications for summer internships, among which includes: three congressmen, two senators, two think tanks, two law firms, and three UN foundations. hopefully i'll get one of them.

christmas was awesome, but its sad because it seems that every year that goes by i get less and less excited for the whole thing. i really didnt get into it at all this year.. and i had the most to celebrate. thursday before xmas we had the gift exchange for the ustac and everyone brought a dish of food... it was absolutely delicious. and then friday night was the gift exchange with josh and his roommates where we all opened gifts and then watched labrynth (haha). list of gifts:

belt, earrings, and necklace from golnaz
a graphic novel about iran from arin
a book on the persian empire from alex
anchorman from jeremy
two eyeshadow duos and a shirt from nickie
a purse from my moms friend
a purse and a lot of lancome makeup from my sister
a fabrege egg jewelry box from my grandfather
3 tops, a pair of jeans, taking back sunday collectors edition cd, 7th season simpsons dvd set, and a tiffany's birthstone ring from josh
ralph lauren pajamas from josh's parents
and 2 really nice tops and a dress from my parents

so actually it was a pretty good christmas. my tutoring job helped pay for all the xmas gifts i bought and i liked the reactions i got from everyone. i wonder why when youre a kid the days go by so slowly, let alone the years, but when youre older the years go by like a flash. i feel so helpless, like i'm clinging to something i clearly have no power over. i also feel like with every passing year i get more tired, like i'm drained of my energy. just thinking about all the things approaching in the near future is enough to make me want to faint... i dont have the energy or ambition to handle these things anymore. i just want to sit.

heckyeah @ 2005-12-05T18:10:00

2005-12-05T23:10:03Z

well its snowing like crazy outside. i went to my tutoring, the girls finished early so i left around four and came to mason to study until my class at 6. and then at 5:50 remembered the my professor is out of town so class is cancelled. so now i'm back in the jc doing nothing until my next class at 7:20.

i was playing around online, and randomly found myself on the va deca website, which i have not frequented since nationals my senior year. at first i thought it was pathetic to still look at that stuff, and confusing since i haven't given deca a second thought since graduation, but the more i think about it its not. nostalgia is a normal thing, and of course something that was a huge part of my life for three years i'm not just gonna forget. deca competitions were the best part of the school year every year for me (except for senior year when i lost at nationals because i freaked out and scrapped my presenatation the night before competition and fucked myself over.) anyways, although i really dont miss highschool at all, i miss deca and all the friends i made through deca and all the stuff i learned from deca.

and i'm really pissed about forgetting that class was cancelled.

heckyeah @ 2005-11-16T22:54:00

2005-11-17T03:54:19Z

for the first time in my life i felt bad for not voting. even though tim kaine won anyways, so i guess it really didnt matter. but i guess i should start voting.

so much happens, yet so little happens.

heckyeah @ 2005-10-26T21:54:00

2005-10-27T01:54:25Z

i guess people dont know that when i get upset i dont talk and it seems like i'm playing a game, but really, when i get upset my mind goes blank. either that or there are so many thoughts in my head that i just cant make sense of them enough to say anything.

well, theres no point in even trying to write about it anymore. i dont just feel alone, i am alone.

heckyeah @ 2005-10-06T02:24:00

2005-10-06T06:25:52Z

i loathe people who take things too literally.

more to come on this, since its 2:30 and ive barely slept in the last 48 hours.

heckyeah @ 2005-09-25T14:20:00

2005-09-25T18:20:42Z

ooommmmmmmmmgggggggggg

last night was INSANE.... it was this girl taleen's 18th birthday (shes a singer... www.taleen.com) and me josh, arin, kyle, taleen and her sister lauri took a limo into dc to go vip at Home and got SO. FUCKING. TRASHED. it was unbelievable. my new love is house/techno music its soo much fun to dance to when youre so damn wasted youre not even dancing. josh bought a bottle of champagne and we drank it (plus long island iceteas, plus rum and cokes...) and basically just danced till we all passed out the couch. highlight was definitely dancing on top of our table and being so drunk that i didnt even notice how much it hurts to jump up and down in 3 inch bcbg stiletto pumps.

then last saturday we went to K Street which is supposedly this exclusive "it" bar to be at right now... it was so fucking packed we didnt even have a place to stand... but the dj was amazing.

then the weekend before that was josh's 23rd birthday so me, him, marriam, arin, jeremy, leo, and ron went out to adams morgan to chloe, and then saki, and then eyebar, and then ended up in the vip lounge at dream with the owner drinking his champagne.

so anyways the point is... ive been too spoiled lately and now theres no way i can go to a bar or club without being vip and drinking for free. this has been the best month everrrrrrrrrrr.

A list of my grievances

2005-09-05T17:03:36Z

GUESS CLOTHING: i hate that no matter what your body looks like, guess still manages to make you feel like a cow. i went into marciano, the "designer" guess line in tysons 2 the other day just to look around, and i saw this gorgeous orange dress. not orange like a pumpkin, but orange that was made for my skintone. and it was a short, knit halter, and had gold detailing all over it.... omg soooo cute. so i tried it on and from the front it looked pretty good. and then i came out into the three way mirror.... and my ass had apparently more than tripled in size within the few minutes that had elapsed. it was really disapointing. from the front i looked fine, from the back i looked like a cross between a whale and a hooker. i dont understand how their clothes are cut, but i hate them. even though i'm okay with the way my body looks... that store just shoots all of that down.

MY APPETITE: has increased substantially in the past few weeks, which distresses me since i gained weight this summer and dont know how to lose it. how do people have the willpower to go to the gym? that impresses me.

NEW ORLEANS: has the government gotten the memo that people are dying? okay yeah i know the government cant prevent every single american from dying. but come on, this is bordering ridiculous. thousands of people living in a football stadium that has backed up plumbing? how can the rest of the world watch that and be happy with themselves? i mean the tsunami that his multiple COUNTRIES caused multiple times more damage, took multiple more lives, and yet they were able to handle it. but new orleans gets hit and our government does nothing! abc newscasters were able to get there before the national guard. i'm so glad they were too busy massacring people in iraq to save the people dying in their own country. i think that says a lot about the incompetency of our government and bush.

BUSH & THE SUPREME COURT: this is something that i never expected to happen, yet should have because how can we be surprised by the lengths that the bush family goes to to get what they want anymore? pushing john roberts through to fill o'connor's seat makes me soo angry! she was forced to retire, when they KNEW that rehnquist had a matter of months to live anyways. so bush gets to fill two seats in one term with his moronic buddies. great. does anyone else find it odd that the bush family has nominated FOUR out of the NINE on the bench? THATS ROUGHLY HALF. HALF OF THE SUPREME COURT REPRESENTS THE BUSH'S INTERESTS! DOES THAT NOT SCARE ANYBODY ELSE? top that with the fact that bush is trying to push roberts into the chief justice position. that is an absolute mockery of the judicial system. that insults the associate justices already on the bench, especially scalia whos held an associate seat since the reagan administration, and it insults any former chief justice who's rank has now been sullied by that moron. a 50 year old man with a JD our new chief justice? its absurd! that means he'll hold this seat for atleast another 40 years.... so basically hes just ruining our lifetime and then dying right around when we dont give a fuck anymore. and now that hes pushing roberts' agenda for chief justice, he'll probably just shove gonzales into the other associate position and send this country to hell for sure.

GAS PRICES: i'm a commuter i cant afford $3.39 a gallon! i remember when gas was only a dollar. and my car requires supreme so.... i can only assume its gonna get worse. i'm so glad we have a president like bush who invades the petroleum producing countries and fucks up all of our lives but doesnt give a shit because he has oil coming out of his ass. i think its pretty obvious that he's really pissed off OPEC.

heckyeah @ 2005-08-16T18:41:00

2005-08-16T22:41:55Z

so israel pulled out of the gaza strip on sunday night. which i believe is a good thing, and not because i'm middle eastern. its just so weird that this conflict has been going on for about half a century and we've actually seen some progress, because i didnt believe there would be any in my lifetime. one thing ive learned from being a govt major is that "peace talks" rarely result in peace, and that conflict resolution takes more years than anybody really has patience for.

i dont really have a strong opinion on the israeli/palestinian conflict, but i was leaning towards palestinians just because the whole argument for why israel had a claim to the land made absolutely no sense to me. and of course everything dealing with IR is so, so much more complicated than we are made to believe, but from what i knew before and what i studied in my politics of the middle east class, the only claims israelis had was that they once inhabited the land (and of course the meddling efforts of the us and britain). how can you kick the palestinians out of their country because the jews once resided there? in that case, the persians also have a claim to it because they conquered the jews and took over their land, so they used to live there too. and italy should claim all the land that the roman empire conquered, and the far east should claim all the land that the mongols once conquered, because they used to live there. the israelis also justified occupation by saying that arabs were anti-semitic. which is absolutely ridiculous because arabic is a semitic language. so.... i dont see this.

i mean, i know a lot of people say that after the holocaust jews had no where to live and had a right to their homeland but it really annoys me that people refuse to acknowledge the conniving underhandedness of it all. the us and british forces did not try to place israelis there out of the goodness of their hearts. israeli intelligence was priceless to them! us/british forces teamed with the israelis in the 50's and 60's to create torturous secret police in iran, because they revolted against british investment in their oil industry. they used israeli troops in attempting to keep their foothold in egypt. it was all just a scam.

but then i was watching BBC news this afternoon (which i hate, but whatever) and they were showing the israeli people struggling against their own troops that were kicking them out of their homes, and it was so sad. but i guess theres no simple solution. just another example of how the us and the british fuck everything up.

heckyeah @ 2005-07-27T03:01:00

2005-07-27T07:01:42Z

sigh

sometimes i feel like... whats the point in talking when talking gets you no where? i feel like its gotten me no where with everyone lately. nobody wants to listen to what anyone has to say; everyone has this predetermined notion in their head and sure they'll hear what you say... but they wont listen and understand. one thing ive really found frustrating about my mom is that she doesnt sympathize with me if i'm upset. she just says that she doesnt think its something i should be upset about. but my thing is... i dont care if you dont think its upsetting... the point is i obviously find it upsetting so instead of telling me i shouldnt be upset try to make me feel better. listen to what i have to say. try to understand where i'm coming from.

i know everyone has this feeling at times. and i know that i'm probably wrong. but i feel like the world is out to get me.

i feel like i have to be happy and smiling at all times and if i'm not i'm ruining everyone's fun and i just need to stop and get with the program. but guess what lifes not like that i'm not here to make sure everyone else is having a great day. maybe i'm the one whos not having a great day. or a great week or month or even a goddamn year. so what the fuck why do people make me feel like i cant be upset or mad? its incredibly unfair to turn it around on me, when i'm already upset. its like stabbing a gunshot victim.... just making it worse.

and i dont understand why everyone all of a sudden has decided to not do anything. i dont know why nobody wants to hang or chill or go out. and when we do... its like theyre trying really hard not to have fun. what happened to being 20 and going out and doing crazy shit and having great stories to tell later on? what the hell happened to everyone?

most of all i just wish someone would.....

heckyeah @ 2005-07-13T21:43:00

2005-07-14T01:44:11Z

bored bored bored out of my damn mind.

i really should have found a job this summer. i should have just gave in and done another summer of retail or restaurants and then started an office job next summer. stupid hellia.

and the thing is, i do cool stuff at nights, its just the days that drag ON and ON and ON. thank god josh can always think of something cool to do, otherwise i'd die of boredom. i went to kings dominion the other day which was awesome despite the heat advisory, josh and brian forced me onto every roller coaster there. but after the first few it wasnt that bad anymore. except for that hyper coaster shit which banged my head in every direction possible... i think i have a brain hemhorage. and also they made me go on dropzone, which is that ride that takes you 300 feet into the air and then just drops you........ i was screaming before they even strapped me into the seat.

and i went to ocean city, new jersey and philly for Live 8 like two weekends ago which was awesome too.... philly was dirty and the subway stations smelled like piss but the concert was cool, and EXTREMELY packed. jersey shore was awesome we had perfect weather the whole time and lots of fun... highlights include playing in the ice cold beach with megan, football in the pool (i scored the winning touchdown!), and giving the boardwalk fry people alcohol in exchange for an inhumane amount of boardwalk fries.

anyways.....

1. go to http://www.google.com
2. type in the word "failure"
3. click the first search result.

heckyeah @ 2005-06-14T15:53:00

2005-06-14T19:53:49Z

haha omg i forgot i had an lj! how sad. and after reading like 4839243820 friend ljs that i missed.. i found out that chunky tagged me for this so i might as well.....

(1) Total number of films I own on DVD/video:
like around 25 dvds, and 5 dvd box sets (2 simpsons, 2 family guy, godfather triology)

(2) Last film I bought:
harold and kumar go to whitecastle (it was a long time ago).

(3) Last film I watched:
Meet the Fockers (horrible)

(4) Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me:
Godfather
Love Actually
Cant Hardly Wait
Donnie Darko
Clueless

(5) Total number of albums I own on vinyl/CD/cassette (doesn't count albums on mp3):
cds that i actually bought? 3 (all nsync)

(6) Last album I bought:
nsync - celebrity

(7) Last album I listened to (through its entirety):
taking back sunday - tell all your friends

(8) Five albums that I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me:
taking back sunday - tell all your friends
taking back sunday - where you want to be
brand new - your favorite weapon
nsync - nsync
my persian mixes

(9) Tag five people and have them put this in their journal
LOL i dont even know five people that still write in their ljs...

semi- unconscious ranting

2005-05-26T08:17:30Z

okay well its 4 am and i cant sleep and i've already done my eyebrows and updated my myspace profile and half- filled out an application for a bank internship and now i'm just really sad because its been two years of college and i'm starting to regret my major.

i mean i'm not stupid, i know if i had done what my dad wanted me to do (CS/Engineering/Math) or what my mom wanted me to do (Biology) i would have failed out by now and secured a permanent job at Tysons Corner but like.... i'm at a place where its just like... whats the point? trying and failing at those degrees and having a shit job, or actually getting my damn degree and still having a shit job because HUMANITIES DEGREES ARE ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS AND IN MOST EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRIES THEY USE THEM AS TOILET PAPER. damn i hate my life. it just sucks because i spent so long convincing me and my parents that a govt/econ degree was the best path because i just cant make it in those other things, and i'm damn good at whatever i'm doing right now. its so weird bc i got A's in my gen ed bio classes and my mom was like "youre crazy see how good you are" and i'm like "okay mom its a 100 level bio class..." and plus, i worked my ass off for that A! unlike my govt classes where i just go to class and bs my papers and spend most of my time watching VH1. its obvious that i made the right decision.... for now.

but ive been trying to get an internship since winter break. first i applied to all those congressional internships and in April they all wrote to tell me i was rejected. and i rationalized that by saying they usually dont hire underclassmen. and then i applied to this law firm who scheduled me for an interview, but then a few days before told me they filled up their positions. and then my dad got me into the MCI internship program, but they passed me up because i'm not a techie. as if an intern actually does anything.... its complete bullshit. and now i'm following yet another lead, my friend works at Navy Federal bank and says he can prob get me an internship, but i was looking at the requirements and they require me to know all this damn shit about software ive never even heard of! THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! THE POINT OF AN INTERNSHIP IS TO LEARN SOMETHING... NOT KNOW EVERYTHING ALREADY AND JUST HAVE A COMPANY HIRE YOU AT A LOWER SALARY SO THEY CAN SAVE MONEY BECAUSE THEYRE FUCKING CHEAP MORONS. it seems like everywhere i look everyone wants a math or physics or compsci major. wtf.

this sucks so much. i dont know how to get a job! how is this possible? how is this hard?? its because ive never had to really look for one before, but how can i complain about that. people just roll their eyes and call me spoiled, and people are probably doing that right now but fuck it.... nobody wants to hear the other side of the story. not that i'm saying i have it rough, but being 20 and having your daddy pay for everything isnt that great. i'm 20 and i live at home and i live off an allowance and i cant do a single damn thing without my dad finding out about it. he completely controls me. and ive been conditioned for 20 years to live this way i cant be cut off now! its simply not possible for me to start being financially independent now... theres no way i could give up what i have. so that leaves me one option: be a dumb unemployed gayass.

can someone please find me a job?